Our past is vital for construction.

It's fantastic how people tend to conserve always a piece of the past, no matter what. I've realized these past 3 years that our past's are vital to construct our present and eventually, future. No matter how many times we blame our past, our past is essencial to our present and future because our present eventually becomes our past. But, what if we want to change something in our future-present? break the patterns? Just... surrender to what you desire?

What do we know about being "set free"?

I wish I can talk more about this subject but I find it hard to have more ideas on it so... all I can say is this: Is is thanks to my past that I am here, it is thanks to my past that I have these wonderful people whom I call friends are with me, and it is because of my past that I can direct myself to what I want and don't want. It's just a matter of "willing to do" rather than a "I'll try"

Why choose the harder decisions when we have the easy ones?

I read that in someones status one day and my first response to that, not to the person, was that the harder decisions, in my opinion, are the ones that offer a better opportunity for you. Does it get even harder if you choose, not only for you but also, for someone else involved?

In my personal expirience, the hard decisions are those that give you a broader vision of life, perspectives and angles in one situation and the posibilities that are offered. Though, I will say this, sometimes we are the ones that make the decisions harder than what they are supposed to be, because we debate with our selves wether we should do it or not, we try to see the pro's and con's of the situation and sometimes try to feel it. We are analizers, no matter what, we always try to get the most of that decision, though, I agree that some people just don't think it through and they just let it slide, sometimes it's a good thing and sometimes it's a bad thing, how ever the consequence may come.

Sometimes, we have the answer right under our noses but sometimes we choose not to see the answer, we ignore it, perhaps, denying it.

I addmit, sometimes I know what the answer is, never the less, I tend to ignore it, I try to block it and somehow make it disapear, but nothing can disapear by magic, what ever goes comes around, always. No matter how hard you try to run away from it, the answer will be chasing you until you comfront it and say it or do it.

Why, why, why, why, why... why? Just beacuse. No. There is a reason why that decision making was present to you and there is a reason why you must decide, things don't just present themselves out of now where, you did something in past to deserve that decision making, you are the one responsible for the things that happen to you, not to anyone else but you.

I don't believe that someone can make a desicion over someone else, in the end, everyone does what they want, so, if one person made a desicion over someone, that someone can do something entirely different than what was told. Everyone can either take a suggestion or leave it, it's up to us, not to them. But now, the fact that sometimes we depend on someone to do the "right" thing doesn't mean that they will fulfill our wishes, that person that doesn't fulfill our wishes made the desicion to not to do so, even if they claim that it was important to them, it actually wasn't. We tend to rememer important things, meaningful things to us, but when we don't it's because we had other powerful thoughts taking over the situation.

Does fear involve? Of course it does! fear comes within our analizing of the situation, meaning, almost all the time, and to take action? even worse. But there is nothing better than taking the risk, and if you fail, you gain success. No one can lose in this world, it's a win-win all the time. Everything works as an expirience.

Now, go on, and get crazy.

Let your eyes cease to love.

I look at your eyes and I see radiance,
I look at your eyes and I see perfection.
When I look past your eyes I see affection,
When I look past your eyes I see your spirit.

There is only beauty,
There is only hope.
You are beauty,
You are hope.

Your eyes plead for love,
your eyes yield to pleasure.
But will your eyes yield to love rather than plead?

YOU are love.

A good-bye letter.

By Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook.

"The reason it hurts so much to separate

is because our souls are connected. Maybe

they always have been and will be. Maybe

we've lived a thousand lives before this one

and in each of them we've found each

other. And maybe each time, we've been

forced apart for the same reasons. That

means that this good-bye is both a good-

bye for the past ten thousand years and a

prelude to what will come.

When I look at you, I see your beauty

and grace and know they have grown

stronger with every life you have lived. And

I know I have spent every life before this

one searching for you. Not someone like

you, but you, for your soul and mine must

always come together. And then, for a rea-

son neither of us understands, we've been

forced to say good-bye.

I would love to tell you that everything

will work out for us, and I promise to do

all I can to make sure it does. But if we

never meet again and this is truly good-bye,

I know we will see each other again in

another life. We will find each other again,

and maybe the stars will have changed, and

we will not only love each other in that

time, but for all the times we've had before."

The end is near.

This semester has been fantastic, in every sense. I've cried, I've been very stressed, I slept for 5 hours for a whole 2 months, I think... perhaps even more, and I've laughed so hard in most days, which I am very glad.

I've met 4 exceptional people whom I am very proud to call my best gals. Makes me wonder sometimes if I even had real friends... or maybe I did, I just didn't like the way they where "friends" with me, in the way that they always needed me and there for they depended a lot on me, it suddenly became heavy and exhausting for me, always being a shoulder for someone or another set of legs, and sometimes even the head to point them to the right direction but ever since college I've felt like my real self, not pretending not one bit to be someone I am not and it just feels amazing, which leads me to think that it had to do a lot with my new friends: We all have something in common, there's a reason why we are together, though, sometimes I think that most of these girls aren't even supposed to be there, but all in all, we all have an interest for clothes, some more ignorant and some less ignorant about the career.

All in all, it's been an amazing experience, full of excitement, questioning, doubt, falling and bringing yourself back "with a little help from my friends"- The Beatles.

But even the teachers are great! We're finally treated like adults and that's something I've wanted for a while, very few times I've thought of being a kid again, but once you find the joy of your own age, it's rather interesting and very, very enjoyable. Yes, there's more responsibility, but if you know how to deal with it, organize and change your strategies as many times you can, then you'll survive for sure.

One thing I've learned is that routine isn't good after it goes on for more than 3 weeks, you become zombie like, lot's of things have changed already by then and you're still stuck if you don't change your routines. Tune it up once in a while, it doesn't have to be dramatic, but it'll keep you from feeling like a zombie.

What if everything we know is upside down?

What if "good" is actually "bad"?
What if "optimism" is actually "pessimism"?
What if "love" is actually "hatred"?
What if "happiness" is actually "sadness"?
What if "hope" is actually "disappointment"?
What if "life" is actually "killing"?
What if "God/Goddess" is actually "Devil"?
Would the world be a "worse" place rather than a "better" place if everything where "upside down"?

Art, A passion or an escape?

Art. Something that isn't quite defined and I don't think will ever be. People think that art is defined by those whom have the power to do it so, some people think that it's art because it establishes their ideal of beauty and some people think that art is absolutely everything. For me, Art is when you transcend what you are feeling/thinking of, that the fact that you bother in doing it it's because you need to let something out of you that is trapped and you have no other way to show it but by art! weather it's by a painting, a performance, singing, dancing, making music, what ever, as long as you are letting people know that there is something trapped in you that you need to let out.

I know that when someone creates art, it's because they want to transcend something valuable from them, a piece of them, it's not just anything, it's an "emotional intelligence" if that applies. We guide ourselves by emotion all the time, reason can be pretty square but, I strongly believe that reason is part of our emotions, our emotion to believe in something exact, our emotion of curiosity of how things work, our emotion to dig deeper rather than just the surface of life.

But sometimes I wonder about the artists, do they do art because the are passionate of what they feel and think or do they do art to distract themselves from something in life? What ever the case may be, what ever the portal of inspiration may be, amazing things are created every day and in every hour, we are all artists, no one has to tell us if we are a true artist. Even the dumb bitches or ass holes create art in their own way and with their own ideals. For me, a dumb way of art is shopping all the time, I don't find any satisfaction in that, I mean, I love shopping, I really do, and I love dressing up with things that no one else would posses, but maybe these girls love shopping so much that it is like art to them because they get to wear what ever they want according to their idea of beauty, according to their personality and according to how they are feeling in that precise moment of their life. And what about those people that kill and transform the person before or after, I know it may sound horrible and brutal and what not but, they too have their own ideals of beauty and also their way to send out a message to be heard rather than being suppressed.

We are surrounded by art but people think it's so little because it will always be according to their ideals, if they aren't within their ideals they will immediately reject it and deny that it is art.

Speaking of paintings, I'd like to say that it is one of the most interesting forms of art because of the use of colors, shapes and strokes. I think it's the clearest image that we can get to see the persons or even animals, world. Say, the schizophrenics; some drawing that I have seen of schizophrenics are the most interesting for me because they live in worlds, literally, and we don't even know for certain why they do, yeah, we have science to tell us but they still don't go beyond the surface, there is always something deeper that not even science, math or equations can get to, like π. Point is, we have no idea what schizophrenics see and the fact that when ever they draw something or paint or anything of which we can understand in some form what they are seeing or feeling is amazing, they have opened up a small portal to their world, to understand them even if just in a small piece of paper, they are giving us a small passage to their world, a world that is a gigantic mystery to us, to see other things in this material world that we live in is crucial, hard to even understand.

Louis Wain was a famous schizophrenic artist who always painted cats. They say that before he developed schizophrenia, he had a hard time distinguishing between fact and fantasy, people also frequently found him incomprehensible, due to his way of speaking tangentially. It's said that what had trigged his schizophrenia was because of his constant contact with his cat, of which his cat had transmitted him toxoplasmosis.

Although his paintings started with just drawings of cat's, they eventually turned into cat-patterns, large eyes and dramatic expressions, seeming like if the cat was always surprised, scared or even just showing the expression of a questioning.

I find his work very interesting. They're intense and keep on a certain geometry and symmetrical ways in his backgrounds and sometimes vise versa, the cat very symmetrical, and the background how ever it would be.

I don't know if this has ever happened to someone but when I'm doing something in watercolors, sometimes I can't get the right color or just the color I need, sometimes I imagine colors that don't even exist physically and it is horrible because then, I can't show exactly what I am feeling, and I feel so impotent and just leave my painting halfway to what I am trying to show and so I have to conform with what I have at reach and that's it, send it out like that, but I do my best to show how I feel or what I am thinking.

This is an abstract painting I made in 2009. Technique is water color.

My conclusion is this: I think art start's as a way to distract ourselves, an escape from something that we don't desire to confront but by confronting it in a form of art we then evolve it into passion. That's me, my thoughts, anyone can think what ever they want. This is just my opinion and I am opened to those who have a different idea. Actually, I would be very pleased if you could leave a comment, letting me know what you think, so that I can broaden my gaze on different opinions, it would be very helpful for me.

As always, thank you for reading.

This is how it ought to be...

I know people day dream a lot about their life, something ideal for them and, I'd like to share my biggest day dream.

Living in a cottage, in the middle of the woods, where I'm not bothered by anyone who needs something from me all the time. Sitting in the middle of the living room and the only light in the room is the fireplace, providing warmth and confidence; tranquility. Hearing how the fire roars, crackle's the wood and with the one person I truly love sitting next to me, whispering and playing with my hand. We both know that we don't need more in life.
Have my own garden, grow my own vegetables, trees and flowers. Have vines growing on the house to make it part of the forest.

Some of my paintings hanging around the living room, but are shadowed by the fireplace.

A perfect night would be a rainy and storming night; hearing natures natural sounds, it's songs, it's soul. Perhaps we'd have a dog sleeping indoors, nothing too extravagant. Just a simple life with a simple house, no one in the world to bother us. Just us.

I hope such thing would exist now in days...

...To dance again and forever more.

Some people say that when you love someone, you should say it as many times as you can and loud so that they can hear you, but other's would rather keep it to themselves because of what could happen.

I am stuck in the middle. I wish I can say how much I love that person, but my reason gets in the way, as usual.

Keeping this brief, I wish to open my heart once again, and to someone that doesn't correspond to me. All this wishful thinking is killing me, I'm too optimistic to even think that that person will realize, someday, that he will love me the same way that I do...

I just want to get over with this. I don't want to leave this up to time because I don't trust in time anymore... it's just a waste.

I wish I can just send out the signal of how I am feeling and hopefully he can pick it up, feel it, understand it... I want to dance again and forever more.

City of the Dead.

I found an old notebook where I used to write my poetry, brings some memory's, I tell you that much. Many of them I didn't remember at all and couldn't believe that I wrote them, though, there was one that I loved so much that I even had to make a song to go with it; yes, I composed the song in piano... I wish I still remembered the notes, but I've forgotten. But I did record it once so, hopefully, some day, I can get back to it, maybe re-write it, make it better, though, it's not half bad.

Anyway, here it is... the poem, hehe. Hope you guys like it.

City of the Dead.

Weep not for me, my friends so dear.

I am not dead, just sleeping here.

My grassy bed, my grave you see.

Prepare for life to follow me.

We see our friends are around us falling.

We see them buried deep in dust.

In solemn silence yet they're calling.

Prepare for death, for die you must.

A law eternal does decree

that all things born should mortal be.

Though worms my poor body

may claim as their prey,

Twill outshine when rising

the sun at midday.

Be wise ye living while you may

Prepare against the coming day

When you as low as I must lay

Your souls from hence be called away.

Now deep in earth this bed of sighs,

I wait till i, like fire, shall rise.

In latter days, the healing rain

shall wash away these tears of pain.

Then will my voice in great goodbye's

join to the chorus of the skies.

Rose.

Been thinking, and perhaps it's just a phase but, I can't help but feel sometimes that I'm the flower trapped in the glass case from the story Beauty and the Beast; In bloom, beauty, rich and colorful in red, but no one will set me free. I'm alone and trapped with no one to share my love with.

I wonder sometimes, wether I'm not meant to love someone for now to regain my strength to love someone else again after 2 years being with someone else.

I don't know how many rose pedals I have left nor do I know how much time I have left till someone gets to me and sets me free. I know I'm not following entirely like the story, but that's why I say that I feel like the rose, trapped.

I wonder sometimes if my true love is here or out of México. I always said that I would like to marry an italian, but it was just because I wanted to keep up with the italian blood in the family but I don't feel it in my gut. I doubt I'll marry an italian.

I know life gives us sign's but sometimes it feels like it's just tricking me all the time. First I think there's hope and then, some how, in a way, I just don't understand, it gets lost in the mist with no explanation or warning.

I know I'm not giving anything from me right now to anyone, and I know why, I'm scared of getting hurt again. Pain was so deep that I'm afraid to express how I feel... just thinking of this and writing down my thoughts about it makes a knot in my throat. But there's also another reason why I'm holding back and it's because there isn't anyone who will give me anything. I won't blame them, giving yourself completely to someone isn't easy nor the surest thing sometimes, but how will we know if we belong to that someone if we don't give ourselves? Fall, get up, live again... love. The ride is worth the adventure and lessons we learn along the way.

I hope this phase doesn't last long. I think it's been the longest time I've been without a boyfriend ever since I had my first. Though, I know I'm not rushing for one, that I know for sure. I don't feel desperate to look for one.

Cigar Review: Diesel torpedo.

Well, the weather was nice, it wasn't as cool as other days so I thought I take a smoke outside where there was fresh cool air, a November sun and pretty much just nature company.

This fantastic cigar was sent to me on November 20th of 2009 (yes... I let it sit for a year, well, it was just days away from being a year) by a fantastic BOTL member username Strife.

Alright, let's get started, shall we?

Diesel torpedo 5x56

Wrapper: Oscuro

Drink: Black Tea

We can expect already that this cigar will be a full bodied cigar by the wrapper. The color of the wrapper indicates the leaves that where used for rolling and methods. Each type of wrapper gives a unique taste and flavor to the cigar.

This cigar, by being an oscuro (the darkest wrapper you can get) we can tell that the leaf of the cigar was left on the plant to ferment at it's fullest.

Pre-light: There was no shine to the wrapper and barely had veins. There was hints of wood, earth and tobacco.

There was hints of pepper and some type of nut. Perfect draw and creamy smoke.

1/3

Hint's of pepper and wood, I think I detect a little bit of leather and earth. Ash has a beautiful color and construction.

Flavor's eased up into a more soother, creamy flavor, preserving it's strong attitude and personality. I eventually got a hint of flowers.

Thoughts: It's amazing how you can detect flowers as a flavor rather than just a scent. We all eat through smell too, that's why some people, when they have been around food for too long they get full and don't feel like eating.

Earth and leather persist with that small hint of flowers to ease it a little.

So far, I had one inch of ash, white and toasty at the foot of the cigar, revealing faint lines of the veins it has. Not bending anywhere but straight, revealing a firm and perfect construction and even the smoke pace.

The cigar is a natural, it reveals it self very much alive and fresh.

2/3

Earth kicks in stronger this time, starting to reveal it's true power through this 2/3 of the cigar.

Got hint's of leather at this point, overpowering the rest of the flavors, although I got lot's of spice. This cigar is all about spice at this point, getting the occasional pepper here and there, not letting forget it self.

Thoughts: I loved smoking this cigar by myself. I heard the small fountain in my pond, the sun was so beautiful, revealing a smooth color to the trees; dark yellows, oxidized colors... Autumn is my favorite season of the year. Every time I took a puff from the cigar I heard how the wrapper crackled in a very tranquil manner.

Towards the end of the 2/3 I got pepper again coming in stronger and sophisticated.

Ash fell at 1"1/2

3/3

Hints of pepper and wood. Nice combination for my palette. Black tea did it's job very well by toning down the strong flavors once in a while, but not overpowering it so that I didn't know what was I tasting in the cigar.

Tasted leather and wood for a while and eventually loads of pepper and wood, though, not in a uncomfterable way.

Over all, good cigar. Didn't loose my interest in it and always kept me looking for the flavors.

It's a recommendable cigar by the fact that it isn't a long smoke, it'll take you an hour or so to smoke the cigar if you where to smoke at my pace. 

Thank you for reading =)

Rankin and some questions about... lingerie.

I apologize for not posting on wednesday... thing's got a little tight that day.

On Tuesday I went to a gallery where Rankin's work was exposed, well, more than anything, he's photographs.

Let me say something here, Rankin has the best eye sight I have ever met and seen. He has the broadest vision in scenery, color, movement, space, time, angles  and how he wants to transmit his message.

I am still astonished and amazed, I can't seem to get over it, it was just amazing! Some of his pictures made me feel incredibly happy, other's where very seductive and lastly... I almost did cry in one of the pictures I saw. I don't know how he does it, but in every picture he has taken he always captures the intensity of someone's gaze or smile... even the history that lies behind their eyes, what they have gone through.

These are some of the category's that I liked most, though, you can always check out the other category's:
note: images are protected ;)


Overview
Fashion
Beauty
Lingerie

Now that's I've posted the ones I've liked the most, well, at least more in those category's, I remembered as soon as I posted "lingerie", why do we women love wearing the sexiest lingerie that we can find? Is it because it really makes us feel sexy or beautiful, even though no one else is seen it? Is it the only time where we can feel confident, sexy, beautiful and irresistible without a man's admiration?

Poesia de Griselda Álvarez "Anatomía Superficial"

Ojo

"Falto de voz usurpas el idioma
y es tal la galanura de tu invento
que para hablar te basta en el momento
el fugaz giro que un segundo toma.

Después de muerto, miras. Te asoma
toda la nulidad del pensamiento.
Y por el pozo de tu abatimiento
el paisaje del mundo se desploma.

Pero vivo te crece en la pupila
la vida como cálido aleteo
y todo símbolo por ti desfila.

y toda imagen funda su deseo.
Hombre vidente que la luz perfila,
cíclope si tan próxima te veo."

Neil Gaiman Fans.

If you're a fan of Neil Gaiman, even though you just know that he wrote Coraline and Stardust, or you are just finding out right now that Neil Gaiman is the author of those books, and if you loved 'em then you should also read he's collection of short story's, Smoke and Mirrors.

There's this short story called "The Price", a battle between good and evil, thus the cat represents the good, protection, the fighter, etc. It is a fantastic story.

Now, what I am trying to say...

There's a man, a man called Christopher Salmon who is a huge fan of Neil Gaiman and thinks that all his novels that are turned into animations/films, they should be just like the novel, because the novel, as it is, is perfect the way it is.

Christopher Salmon is making a short animated film of The Price, which is coming out incredible! He is being loyal and faithful to Neil's true story, using (kudos!) Neil as the narrator.

Here below is the link to the film and also Neil's blog. Enjoy!

http://journal.neilgaiman.com/2010/11/price-of-price.html

Cigar Review: Tat Drac

Happy Halloween!!… well, it was supposed to be for that day, but I had posted something else, non the less, I did smoke that cigar in Halloween with my dad xD

Pictures are "meh" so, I apologize.
________________________________________________
Tat Drac: 7x52    Drink: Coffee with cream.

Shine to the wrapper, dark color with hints of tobacco and pepper.

Pre-light: Coffee and Pepper as maine notes. Firm construction and perfect draw.

1/3
Pepper and wood are dominant for the time being and hints of coffee, though, I'm a tad confused with that flavor, I'm not entirely sure if it's the cigar or because I've had a sip of coffee. The smoke eventually eases to a smoother taste.
So far: 1" 1/2 of ash.

2/3
Eased out to coffee flavor (like I said before, it could have been my drink… I should just stick to Port Wine). There's pepper and wood and some type of nut.
Pepper kicks in harder eventually but is very well paired with my coffee to give it a perfect balance in flavors.

3/3
Wood is still there but not as dominant anymore at this point. Smooth coffee flavor and pepper once in a while.

First ash broke off at 1" 1/2, then another inch broke... don't remember how long the other one was.

Thoughts while smoking the cigar:
"Rather than dancing like fire, I dance like smoke; smooth and low key, not really calling for attention. Only few can appreciate me."
_______________________________________________
Earlier that same day I smoked my pipe. Been a very long time since I've smoked my pipe. I was able to light it much better this time with very few tongue bite's. Sometimes you just feel like having a smoke or just spend quality time with yourself, lost in thought, enjoying a tobacco that doesn't require much critic. It was very enjoyable.

My thoughts in that moment: "Seek for what you already have and love for what is to come."

"Smoke and Mirrors" by Neil Gaiman.

"I'm thinking about England in the rain,

a strange theatre on the pier: a trail

of fear and magic, memory and pain.

The fear should be of going bleak insane,

the magic should be like a fairy tale.

I'm thinking about England in the rain.

The loneliness is harder to explain–

an empty place inside me where I fail,

of fear and magic, memory and pain.

I think of a magician and a skein

of truth disguised as lies. You wear a veil.

I'm thinking about England in the rain…

The shapes repeat like some bizarre refrain

and there's a sword, a hand, and there's a grail

of fear and magic, memory and pain.

The wizard waves his wand and we turn pale,

tells us sad truths, but all to no avail.

I'm thinking about England in the rain

of fear and magic, memory and pain."

Thank you.

Victoria... YOU brought me back, YOU made me realize that it's not worth changing yourself just to live up to someone else's expectations of their "ideal woman". And you're right, I shouldn't change myself just for that one guy, nor should he, but there's a reason why two people go out together: they like each other for who they are, not for what they will become.

That one guy I liked, it was for who he was, not in what he had become, and visa versa him with me.

I do deserve better. I look forward to bigger things, why shouldn't I look for bigger things in my relationships? I hate that I have to level myself to my partner so that we can "understand" each other. I want someone to be at my level, I don't to level myself or anyone else to level me.

I just want someone to love my world and appreciate it the way it is, for it's beauty of existing.

I don't like what destiny is doing to me. Why am I to see this person in a random day when he never sees me? And I'm damn sure that he never sees me because he never observes. He's never been an observer... and that, is my curse. I observe too much, seek for what I want, not what can be given to me and I have to learn how to invert that observation and keep it equal to observing what I want and what can be given to me.

"Just when you think you're out, they pull you back in." -The Godfather

Now I can relate to that even more. I hope this can be done and over soon.

Victoria, I too wish you luck because all in all, it's only us, no one else.

"There's a hole in my soul"

Title is a song from Aerosmith.

I don't know how to start this... this morning I woke up with anger and with emptiness. I got that strange feeling in my stomach where I feel desperate to do something, and not in the way to get something but more likely to get rid of something. I don't know... I haven't gotten this feeling in a long time. It's like the feeling you get when someone broke up with you and after that you either want to destroy things or cry... and I don't want to cry, I want to break things, for some reason.

I don't know what I am doing to fill my emptiness, but I want it gone. I just want change already... I want progress in something in my life already and I don't seem to be getting anywhere where I want to get to.
I want to meet more new people, I want to have a heck of a time... I fucking tired of staying my house doing this stupid project... I want something real already.

Before, I didn't think it was all that amazing the song Help!- The Beatles... but I can identify myself with it right now.

Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me?

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I've never done before.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me, oh. 


... I think I do need someone.

Where do you find your inspiration?

I've reasently picked up a small note book to write down everything; school projects, dates, books to buy, movies, CD's to buy and the main purpouse, for quotes or phrases that I get to make up.

I bought that small notebook to see my evolution emotionaly and mentaly because sometimes I catch myself thinking of something new, something that would go against my "usual" thoughts and sometimes I wonder why I get that contradiction. Also, I want to know why I think of that and where did it come from, from what, what object or sound or touch made me think of it.

I don't know about you guys but, I get chain reactions when ever I think further and further more by just questioning one thing. It's not that I want to get a conclusion but simply wonder, why are humans so thirsty for the "if's"?

Sometimes I have no idea what causes me to get inspired, though, I know I get some of them when I am dreaming, sometimes I get so many vivid colors and what not, and they trully amaze me and they say that you dream what you have gone through the day, your brain processes all the information that you learned that day but in an unconscious way, though, Hemingway once said "My dreams are the language of my soul, showing what is in my heart in clear images, reveling it in true prophetic form." and I agree with what he says too, when you simply love someone so much you dream of that person too, or maybe not love but you have a certain affection to that person and sometimes you don't realize how much that person means to you until you start dreaming of that person, and even sometimes when you dislike someone you dream of that person too. It's weird yet dreams make so much sense. They don't tell what to do, but they do tell you how you are thinking and feeling in that moment and because we can't listen to our unconscious side all the time it revels it's self in dreams and even sometimes when you are talking to someone you say the wrong name or age or even what you where reading before and meant to say it and you do without even noticing it.

So, now that I have put out the subject that way, where DO we get our inspiration from? Is it the people, the images all arround us (also instant gratification), is the music (noise or not, what ever) or is it simply what ever that makes us feel identified with reality that we can actually explode it to another level?

I honestly don't know what is it that makes us aspire so much life and creativity in our life in any form, but I put my hands down without a doubt that it is inspiration that we are looking for all the time, inluding love, I think love is an important factor to get inspired, wether it's a friendship-love or a relationship-love.

I will keep track in my small notebook what makes me inspire and I am sure that the common pattern will have to do with something related with great happiness, wether the creation of it was something brutal, horrible, sad, soothing or ecstatic, they all come from a very deep emotion. But the best ones come from... well, you guys know. I don't want to be too corny now ;)

P.S. I apologize for the lack of posting the days I was supposed to. Been hunged up with a lot of homework.

What is the value of a smile?

I was watching a program, and the girl they where gonna do a make over on has an accident loosing her front teeth and forcing her not to smile nor express herself the way she wanted to, and that also reflected of how much older it made her look by not smiling.

Made me realize that a persona that doesn't smile shows them selves as older people, more serious, unhappy or ashamed of something they have.

A smile is everything, it shows who you are and what you are. A smile is so powerful that it can even capture someone's interest.

Never stop smiling, you never know who will love you just for that or even where it can get you to. A smile has amazing powers and people don't seem to appreciate it so much.

Safe or unsafe?

I've been thinking wether I do the right things with the right people. How do I know for sure I can trust them? You can't, really. I'm not all that proud of what I've done this week, I've corrupted young minds, very young minds and honestly, it's not cool. At least for me. Now I've realized that I, for sure, would rather kiss someone older than me rather than younger, too boring if the damn kid is too young and with little experience.

Not sure anymore if I do these things because I want to or because I do it to distract myself from something.

Stages of a woman.

I had a rather interesting assignment for this weeks homework for Art History, consisted on taking 4 pictures with the theme "Fashion". I tried to do something a tad original but with what I already had... I thought taking pictures of stereotypes, all wearing the same glasses but then I thought it was too common, then I thought I can go to different places and just take pictures of people -capturing what they are wearing in different zones of the city- but then I thought it was boring and unoriginal, I mean, fashion is everywhere though, then I thought maybe I can take pictures of fashionistas (those that literally cannot live without a designers product) but then I thought "Too expensive" hahaha so then I thought, finally, why not put the woman's evolution? How she developed along the years, how her mentality changed, took place in a mans world and so my title to the pictures was "Stages of fashion", and I dressed up as woman from the 16th-18th century; corset's, long dresses and rather heavy ones too, then Dandysim/Dandy; A woman finally takes place in a mans world by wearing mens wear, to show that she also has power and strength to do things on her own yet we can still conserve our feminism (it's my favorite of all, the tendency, the ideology, the colors, all of it), then I dressed up as "flash dance" who ever doesn't know what is Flash dance you better google or look for it on youtube because the movie was so great that everyone just needed to dress like that, a woman is always in shape if she exercises all the time and looking good by wearing leggings, leg warmers, sneakers, an under shirt showing while wearing a loose shirt on top and off the shoulders, and finally the "modern" woman (modern is actually a relative word because everyone is modern in their own eras, but for this year in this occasion it was the most appropriate) so I dressed in short shorts with a big belt and buckle, leggings, up to the knee boots, a tank top and a blouse on top, tied a little higher than the waist, with a hat and aviator glasses.

Conclusion: A woman is always trying to look fantastic in a no-matter-what situation, body wise and fashion wise, but why loose our interest in literature, art, music? It seems that now that the woman has a place in a mans world they all of a sudden lost what was important for them, they've become fashionistas, consumers, nothing more. There's a lot more in life than just keeping a status (fashion does that), the majority of women have forgotten why we are here, now. They've forgotten that our women ancestors fought and some gave their lives so that we can all have a voice amongst men. I shall never forget them for it is they that I am this way and not another way.
I bow to those women that made this happen for us that do appreciate it and shall never forget that it is because of they I have a voice in society. I will not throw away that opportunity that we have in our hands still.

I present you, my photos...

Fashion from the XV-XVIII. I made the whole costume.

Dandy/Dandysim: A woman dresses masculine. My moms grandmother made her that outfit and eventually gave it to me.

"Flash dance" from the 80's. Woman in shape.

The modern woman dressing how ever she wants to.

By the by, I'd like to apologize for not posting nor Sunday or Wednesday, it's been a hectic week of school.

Aim for the stars.

A couple of days ago a friend posted something like "Oh man, I thought I had finished the game but there's another one. My illusions are soon to be gone." And, it made me think "what a coward" in the most respectful way, but honestly, why should one loose the illusion for something that they supposedly loved and not want to continue it anymore? (I'm not talking about video games anymore, I'm talking general; everyday-life) Do they simply just give up? Or is it because they don't want to work as hard or even harder to get to a higher level in life?

Why only give 90% when you can give 110%? really. Is one satisfied with a 90%? Yes, but it is more ecstatic knowing that you gave your 110% and being notified with it you feel like nothing can destroy you and then sometimes you feel like you can give even more. So, once again I ask: Why just feel satisfied with just a 90% when you know so that you can give even more, if you actually have a passion for it as you try to convince yourself?

People tell us all the time to "aim for the stars" or we even hear them in movie scripts, or even in lyrics... though, it seems that lately no one thinks or bothers on echoing those words anymore, now in days. You can tell a lot from a person when they are looking up at the sky, they are not just thinking but there is no barriers in the sky, there is nothing there to disturb you and all you can wish for it to reach the sky, reach the sky till where? Who knows! that's why those people think big, they go forward, always giving more of themselves than they can ever imagine.

I wonder if it's because of fear too? The one thing that over powers us all the time and that makes us "... Trip fast and then I lose and I hate looking like a fool" -Kate Nash "Pumpkin Soup" Well, we all hate looking like a fool, but the "kudos" isn't for anyone else, "kudos" are for you and only for you. YOU are the one who decides your own destiny, YOU are the one who puts your own limits, YOU decide if you want to triumph, and if you want to triumph you must fall once, twice or three times until you get it right, but never give up if you aspire it so much. Those whom know what they want in life they will receive in their hands if they works towards it, nothing falls on your hands just-because, it's because you have done something either right or wrong, and by "right" or "wrong" I mean it in a very relative way, everyone had their own concept of right and wrong, but think about it; you would want something you don't want, you want something if always wanted and it will be given to you.

It's hard not to be afraid, but the effort counts when you risk it and when you feel like doing that again it's because it will come out right. Nothing can go perfect, we all need to fall to learn how to get back on our feet and move forward, but things can get better along the way when you risk it, take a chance in life and see how it turns out... if that's what you really want.

So, my advice to you guys today is this: Break your cage, get out, explore, and hunt for what you want. You may not get it the first time, but the next couple of times you will surely get it.

P.S. I am terribly sorry for not being able to post yesterday, I was swamped with two prolonged task's.

Have a good evening =)

Water.

Feeling cool water, it's soft and makes wonderful noises when you move it around.
It brings peace, serenity and even beauty.
I love staying in calm and comforting water,
Still, silent and all you can hear was whispers.
Wrapping you and even going through you. We where created in water, we lived in water
we where nourished in water.
It reflects you.

Why does thaw not care to waste what gave us life?

"You get what you give"

Considering that I didn't get much sleep last night (only 4 hours) I feel pretty darn good, too good, I'd say. Today I've concluded that this is what I want, be a Fashion Designer, without a doubt.

So, that wasn't the only highlight of the day. Today I felt extremely happy for what I have now; new friends (they are fantastic! I love them), the teachers are fantastic... most of them, haha but I've also realized that I am very happy with myself, with whom I am and what I want and it's the first time that I really appreciate myself, I never gave credit to myself when I did deserve it but now I have been and it really has made me notice that I can still go higher. I'm the only one who puts limits on my thoughts, no one else, but we need those who can stimulate us and unblock some of those barriers to go higher, to give the best of our selves.

I am very satisfied. I'm glad.

Now, what I really wanted to talk about...

I talked to one of my teachers and told him how awesome he was and his replay was "I am your mirror. The way you see me you see your self", he told me that a teacher of his had told him that too and he's totally right. We choose those whom we want to be friends with because they have something that we have and love about ourselves though, we never do think about it, we just go with it and sometimes we want to posses what ever it is that person has and that's why we stick around, to learn it, in a way. All this we do it unconsciously but when someone points it out it makes so much sense.

And then, somehow related to this subject we started talking about karma, and that what ever you give or transmit will get back to you, which lead me to think that I always give money away, but in the sense that when someone is in need of it I try to help them with what I have and I believe that is why I find so much money on the streets, so much that I have found 500 bucks. That's right. First I wanted to find the owner of that money, because I would have been pissed if someone just took 'em like that without the effort of even looking for the owner of all that money, and so, in a week no one claimed them so, it was given to me and I didn't use it to shop for cloths or CD's, I used it for school supplies all the way.

And then I hear the song "you get what you give" by New Radicals on the radio, which was no coincidence, I was meant to hear that song and really think about it. So, here's a link to the video and the lyrics will be posted right under the link.

New Radicals- You get what you give

Wake up kids
We've got the dreamers disease
Age 14 we got you down on your knees
So polite, you're busy still saying please
Fri - enemies, who when you're down ain't your friend
Every night we smash their Mercedes - Benz
First we run and then we laugh till we cry
But when the night is falling
And you cannot find the light
If you feel your dream is dying
Hold tight
You've got the music in you
Don't let go
You've got the music in you
One dance left
This world is gonna pull through
Don't give up
You've got a reason to live
Can't forget you only get what you give
Four a. m. we ran a miracle mile
Were flat broke but hey we do it in style
The bad rich
God's flying in for your trial

This whole damn world can fall apart
You'll be ok follow your heart
You're in harms way
I'm right behind
Now say youre mine

Fly high
What's real can't die
You only get what you give
Just dont be afraid to leave
Health insurance rip off lying FDA big bankers buying
Fake computer crashes dining
Cloning while they're multiplying
Fashion mag shoots
With the aid of 8 dust brothers Beck, Hanson
Courtney Love and Marilyn Manson
You're all fakes
Run to your mansions
Come around
We'll kick your ass in!
Don't let go
One dance left

{unsaid lyrics from liner}
Championed by a soulless media misleading
People unaware they're bleeding
No one with a brain is believing
It's so sad you lost the meaning
Never knew it anyway
Human natures so predictable
I'm a fool to do your dirty work whoa, whoa

New blog!

Hi everyone! Well, been checking my stats and I am very happy with my progress, I've been getting more and more visitors, I'm over 650 views ever since I opened up my blog, meaning in only 3 months I got over 650 views and they keep increasing as each day goes by.

My number one viewer is Mexico with 290 views and second place is USA with 280 (moved up a lot) views and Canada moved up in third place with 40 views. Thank you very much for reading my blog.

Now, the big news, I have created another blog where I am to express my dreams as they are and how ever I remember them. I will not change a thing in them. You have the right to write comments in that blog as well and, I hope it is of your interest, if not, I'll keep on posting here, as usual, every Wednesday and Sunday =)

Here is the link to my new blog: Unconscious

Take care everyone and thank you once again.

Thee "half orange"

The cheese to your macaroni, the spaghetti and meatball, your other half. I wonder many, many times if we are all destined to have someone with us for ever till the day we die, someone to complete us? How can we know for sure that it is that person whom belongs with us? Or do we simply just take a chance and see what happens? But some people say that they had a feeling that they found true love, I wonder what is that feeling.

I begin to wonder too, more than anything, if I have ever loved someone? And not the kind of love that I'd search with my family, I'm talking about the kind of love where two people give in to each other even though sometimes they can hate their guts but non the less they are there for each other, no matter what.

Are someone people destined not to have a life partner at all what so ever? Or can someone have two life partners and not know it at all? Do they also come in different ages?
... What is a life partner?. Someone who will walk with you through the rest of your life journey or someone just there to guide you?
I also wonder if it's because we need them so we do not get lost along the way and those that don't ever have a life partner is because they don't need guidance... ????????

Am I complete or do I really need my "other half" to "feel" complete?

A lot of these questions are very much unanswered and no matter how many people give different explanations to each of these questions (or some) they will never be true except for those that give their own answer.

Love is different for all and each one is unique because it is two unique people in union to make a unique union. Things can be similar, but never an exact replica.

I desire thaw that makes me aspire life, the risks in it and feel like there are no limits to my horizons. I strongly believe now that my mission here (Mexico) is done and am fully prepped to move on else where... unless, this is another tricky equation from life to give me the unexpected, you know what they say "When you least expect it, expect it". Well, right now I am least-expecting everything. I am blind to where I am going or what is coming towards me, but I trust it will all be good.

Who knows. Life, as it is, has always been unexpected. I shall see what happens.

P.S. And yes, I got over lasts post. It was just a moment of weakness and anger and stuff. Today I got good news from my aunt grandma *sigh* it's a relief.

Death and Lies.

Those two things have been roaming my mind for quite some time now... I fear the whereabouts of my aunt-grandmother, she has pneumonia and her heart is working too hard right now, stressing. Although I hate to think of the worst I must accept that... that this IS life. I want her to get better, I want to keep asking her story's about my ancestors, she knows 'em so well and each time she tells me a new story it amazes me more and more.

The other reason why I've thought of death is because a very old friend of mine (of which I've seen a day ago, for the first time after 5 years of not seeing nor talking to each other) is afraid to have a dog by the fact that he cannot stand the pain of loss. And, I agree, the pain of loss is tremendous, horrid, unbearable, but it does not mean that we should give up in things that make us passionate and vigorous for it is what makes us unique people, but many of us loose it  thinking that it would be pointless without that person or pet, what ever it may be.

Fear does blind us, it blinds our vision, judgment, emotions... fear makes us not want to take a chance in life: "I am passionate and honest with my feelings" and so I keep nothing to myself, for me it is pointless to keep your feelings trapped and abandoned, I know that our feelings are strong and in tune, and we must learn to separate our feelings from reason; reason is only good for proof, material things, nothing more, and our feelings go further more than reason, feelings perceive what isn't material, what we call "relative".

It makes me so very sad that many people are lost in reason and don't know how to get in touch with their feelings, but it also makes me sad that people use feelings as to only detect fear. Everyone wants proof, the existing in material. There is no more balance between good and evil, positive and negative, love and  fear... people have developed what we call "paranoia", people don't trust anymore, they don't give them selves fully anymore because of fear, fear of what has been done to them once before and "never" to repeat again. I am not saying that we should ignore our failures, failures are our greatest successes and just because you fell once doesn't mean that you can fall again because of the same situation, we must keep on trying until we get it right. Try in different ways, angles, points of views, there is always more than one way to succeed.

I will not allow the fear of my past blind me for what I can experience in my present and only of my present because the thought of a future can also lead us to fear. We must live only today and this moment, not any other time. It is HERE and NOW.

Lies are a product of fear, how many times have we lied when we are asked "how are you?" and how many times have we lied to our supposed loved ones to "protect" them from a truth that will hurt them and that non the less they would anyways find out one way or another and make things worse...
I've lied to my feelings many times and even to someone I used to love deeply, I thought that I was protecting us but things got worse and I repent deeply buy not being able to be true to myself, by living a lie that I didn't think could exist. I feared to loose that person and so I lied, I became a person I couldn't recognize anymore and that wasn't me.

I feel a terrible knot in the pit of my stomach knowing that so many people around me are afraid of their past and wouldn't want it to repeat it self. The knot has moved up to my throat and I know that it is because I have the need of crying. I very much wish I can help those around me, but there is only so much I can do, the rest is up to them and I have no right to contradict them, it is their decision. All I want to do is speak my mind and feelings. I don't want to suppress myself anymore, though, the more I express myself the freer I feel but at the very same time the more enslaved I am to my feelings.
I sometimes just want to grab those people and smack 'em out of it, open their eyes, make 'em realize that not everything is evil and for them not to be afraid of. I just don't want to be someone to be feared of anymore, and I don't mean the kind of fear where I'll do something "bad",  what I am trying to say is that I don't want people rejecting me anymore because they don't know how to deal with their fear; fight it.

What about Daniel Ilabaca's phrase: "We fall because we are scared". NO SHIT! I use that phrase for those that are just a fucking misery in life and they nod their fucking heads and yet they don't do shit about their fucking lives! I am mad that people don't get to their senses and smack themselves for once in their stupid life and ask themselves "What in fuck's earth am I doing with my dumb life?"...

I don't even want to continue this post, it makes me cry in anger, literally.

I just may not post on Sunday, as I usually do.
Goodnight, it's fucking 3: 06 AM and I am fucking tired.