Those two things have been roaming my mind for quite some time now... I fear the whereabouts of my aunt-grandmother, she has pneumonia and her heart is working too hard right now, stressing. Although I hate to think of the worst I must accept that... that this IS life. I want her to get better, I want to keep asking her story's about my ancestors, she knows 'em so well and each time she tells me a new story it amazes me more and more.
The other reason why I've thought of death is because a very old friend of mine (of which I've seen a day ago, for the first time after 5 years of not seeing nor talking to each other) is afraid to have a dog by the fact that he cannot stand the pain of loss. And, I agree, the pain of loss is tremendous, horrid, unbearable, but it does not mean that we should give up in things that make us passionate and vigorous for it is what makes us unique people, but many of us loose it thinking that it would be pointless without that person or pet, what ever it may be.
Fear does blind us, it blinds our vision, judgment, emotions... fear makes us not want to take a chance in life: "I am passionate and honest with my feelings" and so I keep nothing to myself, for me it is pointless to keep your feelings trapped and abandoned, I know that our feelings are strong and in tune, and we must learn to separate our feelings from reason; reason is only good for proof, material things, nothing more, and our feelings go further more than reason, feelings perceive what isn't material, what we call "relative".
It makes me so very sad that many people are lost in reason and don't know how to get in touch with their feelings, but it also makes me sad that people use feelings as to only detect fear. Everyone wants proof, the existing in material. There is no more balance between good and evil, positive and negative, love and fear... people have developed what we call "paranoia", people don't trust anymore, they don't give them selves fully anymore because of fear, fear of what has been done to them once before and "never" to repeat again. I am not saying that we should ignore our failures, failures are our greatest successes and just because you fell once doesn't mean that you can fall again because of the same situation, we must keep on trying until we get it right. Try in different ways, angles, points of views, there is always more than one way to succeed.
I will not allow the fear of my past blind me for what I can experience in my present and only of my present because the thought of a future can also lead us to fear. We must live only today and this moment, not any other time. It is HERE and NOW.
Lies are a product of fear, how many times have we lied when we are asked "how are you?" and how many times have we lied to our supposed loved ones to "protect" them from a truth that will hurt them and that non the less they would anyways find out one way or another and make things worse...
I've lied to my feelings many times and even to someone I used to love deeply, I thought that I was protecting us but things got worse and I repent deeply buy not being able to be true to myself, by living a lie that I didn't think could exist. I feared to loose that person and so I lied, I became a person I couldn't recognize anymore and that wasn't me.
I feel a terrible knot in the pit of my stomach knowing that so many people around me are afraid of their past and wouldn't want it to repeat it self. The knot has moved up to my throat and I know that it is because I have the need of crying. I very much wish I can help those around me, but there is only so much I can do, the rest is up to them and I have no right to contradict them, it is their decision. All I want to do is speak my mind and feelings. I don't want to suppress myself anymore, though, the more I express myself the freer I feel but at the very same time the more enslaved I am to my feelings.
I sometimes just want to grab those people and smack 'em out of it, open their eyes, make 'em realize that not everything is evil and for them not to be afraid of. I just don't want to be someone to be feared of anymore, and I don't mean the kind of fear where I'll do something "bad", what I am trying to say is that I don't want people rejecting me anymore because they don't know how to deal with their fear; fight it.
What about Daniel Ilabaca's phrase: "We fall because we are scared". NO SHIT! I use that phrase for those that are just a fucking misery in life and they nod their fucking heads and yet they don't do shit about their fucking lives! I am mad that people don't get to their senses and smack themselves for once in their stupid life and ask themselves "What in fuck's earth am I doing with my dumb life?"...
I don't even want to continue this post, it makes me cry in anger, literally.
I just may not post on Sunday, as I usually do.
Goodnight, it's fucking 3: 06 AM and I am fucking tired.
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