American Beauty.

I was originally gonna write about "beauty", what's a woman concept of beauty? why do they need to feel beautiful? and it's not because they want to feel beautiful, it goes beyond that, and it's not such a great conclusion. But I shall leave this subject for wednesday or next Sunday so that I can marinate more my ideas on it.

Now, the movie American Beauty.

Made me cry in the middle of the movie, didn't even cry at the end. It made me think that I am that movie, I  identified myself with Jane and Lester Burnham (especially him!). How in the beginning he said that he already felt like he was dead, or forever sedated, well, at least before I used to feel like that.
We all need someone to inspire us to live, to do what we have always wanted to do, to be free and wanting to do daring things and see what else you can do with your heart, mind and soul.

Man... it still makes me cry. I have thought more than once that I wish to be a kid again; innocent, playful, nothing ever hurt. So much beauty and as we grow older we forget of how wonderful life is.

... I just can't stop crying anymore... It's getting harder to put my ideas together, I mean, I have so many ideas about this subject yet I can't seem to put them together right now. I keep having flashbacks, when I was younger and love wasn't game to play but merely something to always show without holding back...  Once you hit puberty, it's all gone; the magic, the innocence, the freedom.
I don't regret over things that I have done in my teen life, but I do admit that ever since, life has been harder, it forces you to open your eyes to things that aren't real anymore, people wearing mask's all the time, people trying to fit in with a group of witch they can identify themselves or at least appear to be like one of 'em.

Like Carolyn Burnham said in a scene -"You only have yourself, as sad as it sounds"- I'd say it's a 50%-50% depending how you take it, but for me it is like that. In theory, we only need ourselves, but when we try to be with ourselves, we don't like the fact that we are alone in it... as sad as it sounds. Who hasn't felt the loneliest person in the world, no matter how many people surround you, nature, worlds, galaxies and even universes? I know I have. We all need someone because we don't like the thought or feeling that we know-so that we are alone, that we have ourselves to blame because all in all, our decision played part too.

I envy Jane in the movie. She is admired by her beauty, by her. She didn't even have to try.

"Will I ever be admired like that, in some point of my life, without even trying?" That's my question of this day, day's, months... years.

This movie has highlighted what I already knew but never thought about it out loud before: We need someone to be someone, to assure our existence.

You'd think the movie would make someone or me, happy, but it has made me very sad but also has broaden my vision of how most people live, including myself.
Why are we so afraid to speak of what's in our mind? because of what the other person may say or of the consequences. Nothing new.

I throw myself to other people, with not a carrying in the world, but when I feel something more with someone, I hold back. Few times I'll throw myself... It's been a long time since I've done something like that -2 years with one guy makes you loose practice and confidence- but I know I'll regain it, somehow, I just need to find that extra push.

I've nothing else to say.