American Beauty.

I was originally gonna write about "beauty", what's a woman concept of beauty? why do they need to feel beautiful? and it's not because they want to feel beautiful, it goes beyond that, and it's not such a great conclusion. But I shall leave this subject for wednesday or next Sunday so that I can marinate more my ideas on it.

Now, the movie American Beauty.

Made me cry in the middle of the movie, didn't even cry at the end. It made me think that I am that movie, I  identified myself with Jane and Lester Burnham (especially him!). How in the beginning he said that he already felt like he was dead, or forever sedated, well, at least before I used to feel like that.
We all need someone to inspire us to live, to do what we have always wanted to do, to be free and wanting to do daring things and see what else you can do with your heart, mind and soul.

Man... it still makes me cry. I have thought more than once that I wish to be a kid again; innocent, playful, nothing ever hurt. So much beauty and as we grow older we forget of how wonderful life is.

... I just can't stop crying anymore... It's getting harder to put my ideas together, I mean, I have so many ideas about this subject yet I can't seem to put them together right now. I keep having flashbacks, when I was younger and love wasn't game to play but merely something to always show without holding back...  Once you hit puberty, it's all gone; the magic, the innocence, the freedom.
I don't regret over things that I have done in my teen life, but I do admit that ever since, life has been harder, it forces you to open your eyes to things that aren't real anymore, people wearing mask's all the time, people trying to fit in with a group of witch they can identify themselves or at least appear to be like one of 'em.

Like Carolyn Burnham said in a scene -"You only have yourself, as sad as it sounds"- I'd say it's a 50%-50% depending how you take it, but for me it is like that. In theory, we only need ourselves, but when we try to be with ourselves, we don't like the fact that we are alone in it... as sad as it sounds. Who hasn't felt the loneliest person in the world, no matter how many people surround you, nature, worlds, galaxies and even universes? I know I have. We all need someone because we don't like the thought or feeling that we know-so that we are alone, that we have ourselves to blame because all in all, our decision played part too.

I envy Jane in the movie. She is admired by her beauty, by her. She didn't even have to try.

"Will I ever be admired like that, in some point of my life, without even trying?" That's my question of this day, day's, months... years.

This movie has highlighted what I already knew but never thought about it out loud before: We need someone to be someone, to assure our existence.

You'd think the movie would make someone or me, happy, but it has made me very sad but also has broaden my vision of how most people live, including myself.
Why are we so afraid to speak of what's in our mind? because of what the other person may say or of the consequences. Nothing new.

I throw myself to other people, with not a carrying in the world, but when I feel something more with someone, I hold back. Few times I'll throw myself... It's been a long time since I've done something like that -2 years with one guy makes you loose practice and confidence- but I know I'll regain it, somehow, I just need to find that extra push.

I've nothing else to say.

It's not for me.

I have a feeling that love isn't for me. Not meant to be in my cards.

I honestly see my life more of a working-life rather then a romantic-life. I repel people... I think. Crap.
Maybe it's just me being a depressed-stupid-fuck right now just because I don't know what to do with a situation. I guess, all in all, there's always something to loose.

Something else that intrigues me a lot, How the fuck did I ended up pretending-to-be?... fuck, I know the fucking answer, but I hate to even think it out loud.

WHAT DO THEY WANT?!

Should I go lesbian?... Would it be easier?

Too. Fucking. Hard. I hate what society has done to my brain, and the stupid princes story's and everyone who made it happen.

Fuck you all! Made my life and other peoples life a misery.

Maybe I'm just scared of what could happen to me. I feel like I have a patched up heart, I just cover my scars and what ever is wrong with it.

..."nothing can go wrong, it can only get better"... God, I hope that is true. Or else... I just say rubbish all the time.

It's only normal for me to feel, but sometimes I hate it. I hate being a girl sometimes, or maybe most of the time.

I don't know exactly what path I am taking... perhaps I'm not even on a path right now. I don't want to hide anymore, I don't want to be cold, frozen, ignored, just a memory.

My riddle:
I scream without a voice, I admire without looking, I taste with no tongue, I smell when there's no scent. What am I?

My week.

Almost forgot that today was Wednesday, meaning, posting day.

Me week has been rather interesting, especially with the full moon yesterday, my mood was EVERYWHERE and that wasn't nice.

As of late, I don't have any important issue to talk about and it makes me wonder why, sometimes, but think that maybe it's because now that I've started school, different things take over my mind now. I miss posting long stuff.

Ever since I started school, I've never wondered about how I'd do my collections, lines, designs. It's like, all I think of right now is focusing on being the best I can be in the classes I have, nothing else. I don't know if I'll make out to be a great designer or work as a designers assistant or maybe write articles in a fashion magazine, or MAYBE I'll realize further on that perhaps Fashion Design isn't something I want to study but perhaps Art History or Philosophy, though, haven't really thought of that because usually when I'm in my classes I have fun and enjoy a lot what I'm learning.

Next week I'm having my first fashion show, even though nothing that I'll be wearing would be made by me, except a bag. The point of this runway is this: Who is better, California or New York? and we had to pick on witch side we want to be. Obviously I picked New York.
I'm excited for that.

I love the new friends I've made. They make me laugh so much, though, one in particular makes me roll on the floor... she's very much like me.

-Meg

Nearly cried.

Peculiar day for it to happen, I guess. As I was sitting on the bus trying to make my way home at 5.30PM (more or less) -the sun was low, but still enough to provide light and warmth- when the bus had stopped to pick up more people and drop of more people, I saw a couple, just being together, BEING each other, it brought a smile to my face in the way that it made me feel warm and protected, the feeling that you have someone that loves you too and would do many things to prevent it from being destroyed.

Almost made me cry because of the mare thought that I wanted all relationships shattered into a thousand pieces when I was left alone. Who would want to destroy a relationship where there is mutual love and affection? Only I wanted that, because I didn't posses it anymore. But it seems now that I have finally made piece with myself and forgave my past; I've realized that I don't need him with me to continue my life nor do I need him to be happy, because I have great friends around me that wouldn't harm me and with the happiness I've been provided because of their support, I know that I will be hard to take down.

I feel stronger, physically, mentally and emotionally. I don't feel tired anymore, I don't sleep insane amount of hours anymore, I find reasons to get myself up and keep on walking hahaha, looking back and saying "Eat my fucking dust".

This is one bitch that won't give up things that make her happy, but if something is to leave my life, then it shall, just means that I don't need to carry shit with me, would very much rather carry roses.

I apologize.

I found nothing to write about for today.

...I am eating tacos, so far, I've eaten 3 and there's 2 more to go =D. My wisdom tooth is hurting me and I don't know what day to make an appointment to get the fucker out. I finally have my room cleaned up... well, more or less. I don't feel like sleeping tonight or any other night, I'm a night person. Would love to have a cigar sometime this week. Feeling frisky for some reason. I want a nice dream tonight to give me loads of energy tomorrow and daydream about it in administration class, if not, I'll daydream the usual. I am nervous for something that I KNOW I shouldn't be nervous about... Ah! I just need to wait 3 more days, but I can't be nervous because I'll be more delayed. I'm pretty random tonight, I wish I can share it with someone right now, someone who can keep it up really fast with me but sadly, I need to sleep now.

Goodnight, everyone! Have wet dreams... I mean, SWEET dreams.

Momentary Thoughts 21-08-10

Whom are those people that make you an exception? It's not just anyone, not everyone would change their whole day in an instant just because.

Are those people -whom we call- real friends? Did I ever thought I had those friends?... I don't think so. My so called other real friends, wouldn't do that for me, but two exceptional people that I know would do that for me as I would to for them.
___________________________________________________________________
As of late, my neighbor who is also my best friend, came over to my house a couple of days ago, talking about her decisions for her immediate future; career and job, and amongst other important stuff.

I found myself pouring my thoughts and feelings to her, about how I felt like there was an emotion stuck in my chest and that won't come out or perhaps I won't let it come out. I've probably expressed it in body language, but I don't dare say it out loud... or even think it out loud.

I am scared of my emotions now, I don't know where they will put me if I dare do express them in every way. My emotion pleads to come out and although I want to let it out, I don't allow it for I am scared of the consequences... I hate this.

Some day, I know, that it will burst into a thousand words, tears and sighs. I trust that it'll come out in an appropriate moment, with the right people or person.

We are all slaves to our emotions, but our mind likes to keep us separate in cages. I damn thee for doing so, but I also thank thee for it's purpose to do so.

The Rain Song

The Rain Song by Led Zeppelin, album Houses of the Holy.



"It is the springtime of my loving - the second season I am to know
You are the sunlight in my growing - so little warmth I've felt before.
It isn't hard to feel me glowing - I watched the fire that grew so low.

It is the summer of my smiles - flee from me Keepers of the Gloom.
Speak to me only with your eyes. It is to you I give this tune.
Ain't so hard to recognize - These things are clear to all from
time to time.

Talk Talk - I've felt the coldness of my winter
I never thought it would ever go. I cursed the gloom that set upon us...
But I know that I love you so

These are the seasons of emotion and like the winds they rise and fall
This is the wonder of devotion - I seek the torch we all must hold.
This is the mystery of the quotient - Upon us all a little rain must fall...It's just a little rain..."


Led Zeppelin- The Rain Song

I will say that this song best describes me right now. Let's break the paragraphs so that we can understand why.

It is the springtime of my loving - the second season I am to know
You are the sunlight in my growing - so little warmth I've felt before.
It isn't hard to feel me glowing - I watched the fire that grew so low.


Perhaps not spring, but yes the end of summer. This time is my loving, I have my school, my career, my friends, my family, some have gone and some have come back, everything is around me and I do deserve to feel this happiness, despite what has happened to me along the way.

Pup, you're the "sunlight of my growing" right now, you take place in a very important part of my life, my choosing, my direction, you're part of the creation of my immediate future and further more, like everyone else, but even more important.

I know I am glowing, I feel myself different and happier, I know I've changed and people around me have noticed that I'm not the one from before, but even better.

It is the summer of my smiles - flee from me Keepers of the Gloom.
Speak to me only with your eyes. It is to you I give this tune.
Ain't so hard to recognize - These things are clear to all from
time to time.

What not to say, I honestly can't stop smiling, shining, no one in the world can bring me down right now, I am torch of light and warmth and I tend to keep that on as long as I can.

I want everyone to speak to me with their eyes, I'm tired of people avoiding my gaze when I want to speak to them or just look at them. If you want something from me, speak to me through your eyes and I will sing you my song as it should be, but if it's time you need then time you'll get, but it'll be the same amount of time that you will have to wait to hear me sing.

Talk Talk - I've felt the coldness of my winter
I never thought it would ever go. I cursed the gloom that set upon us...
But I know that I love you so

Who hasn't felt like there was no warmth in this world? We all feel lonely sometimes, no matter how many people we are surrounded by. But there's always someone or some that will eventually come into our lives to save us from being iced and that's when we commence to love, I have commenced to love, little by little, but I'm there.

These are the seasons of emotion and like the winds they rise and fall
This is the wonder of devotion - I seek the torch we all must hold.
This is the mystery of the quotient - Upon us all a little rain must fall...It's just a little rain...

We all have our ups and downs, and this year I've had mine; breaking up, graduating high school, I've been robbed, I'm great at my career, made new friends and got together with old friends, laughing, crying, madness, tranquility.... You name it, I've had it all this year, but it is thanks to that that I am here, in this spot, right now, shining, smiling, even glowing and people can notice.

We all learn from bad experiences, but it is because of them that we success, triumph, grow. I was once been told by a very, VERY good friend of mine this -"Only by feeling bad you learn what feeling good means" P. Anchustegui- ever since I've had a different view in life. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be in this very spot.

Thank you.

Social pressure.

Today wasn't an awesome day for me, I mean, it started off well today but then, little by little I felt myself going down.

I felt invaded today by two people that had permission to film us. At first it sounded great, but then when I was expected to do something it all went wrong. I guess I don't like being watched when I try to do something… in some things, parkour is one of them.

Some felt it like a boost and others felt it like a down-side, I was in that last group, sadly. Though, there is something still bothering me that I can't quite figure it out, I'm still kinda down and I don't know why. I'd like to know because I hate the feeling of impotence.

I hope I don't get like that when I do presentations on my future runway events at school, it wouldn't be very nice. Reminds me of an episode in the series "Sex and the City", when Dolce & Gabbana select random people from NY to represent NY at their fashion show, Carrie is selected as a "model" for them and of course she said No the first few couple of times it was offered, she knew that would never look as good as the models or even do that awesome catwalk (it is hard) anyways, in the end she agreed (obviously... too) and when it was her turn to go down the runway, she trips in the most horrible way (that image will forever be in my head) but then she gets her self back up and keeps on walking down the runway with one shoe in her hand.
I feel stupid that I wasn't able to get myself back up today, and by that I mean mentally.

I hope next time is better.

P.S. Sorry for such a small post, I'm just not feeling up to it today. It hasn't been the best of my days... I almost fainted at the end, it wasn't cool.

In other news... I can't stop smelling my bed ;)

-Meg

Yo, what up biatches!

Very informal today so, screw you.

Ever since I started college I can't help but day dream all the time about all the things I'll be doing in my college years; fashion line, runways, backstage, going to Vegas for an international runway competition (this is actually true! hahaha my school does get to go!) and... ah! new people! I'm not complaining but the people that have been my friends for more than 6 years was just too much, at least for me, I needed a BIG change already and I admit so much, these new friends I've made are my total opposites, but what unites us is Fashion Design, hahahaha I know, it sounds corny, but finally I get talk about serious fashion with these people and not with my friends because they didn't get shit. Though, I know I miss them, but the fact that some friends (I won't say names) would get off my back, they always needed someone to take care of them, in a way, but now, I breathe independence *sigh* it's such a great feeling knowing that I am completely capable of traveling by myself.

Mmmmmmmmm, hahaha sorry! I don't know what else to write! I'm just really excited for the upcoming events and that I simply don't care how many people say that once you start giving in projects you won't have a life, I know that those people are those that have a hard time with the career, I won't say it'll be easy, but it's my passion, it always has been ever since I made my first shirt by hand in 7th grade.

I don't know exactly what I'll do right now (with the career in the future) but I hope it's something fun and original.

My only fear is that I might get sucked in the fashion world completely, although, something tells me that it'll be hard not be sucked in because I need to know what's going on all the time in the world... If ever do get sucked in I want to let all of you know that I will always have you guys in a very special place, in my heart. My friends and family are those that made me this way and I shouldn't leave anyone behind because of what they have made me become. Thank you all, and I hope I've influenced in the same way. Good luck to you and for your future.

Meg.

How about we talk about a movie?

The hottest movie on everyones lips today is Inception. You only hear great things about it, but the only thing I hear from it is how people ask themselves if they are still in a dream, or something related to a dream, I'm a tad concerned that maybe not everyone saw another message there, one that kept on nagging and nagging through out the whole movie. That is, letting go of the past.

Would love to talk about dreams more often, but I really want to emphasize this other message that seams that no one got it, or least they don't even talk about it but they did get it, who knows.

Now, Cobb (Leonardo DiCaprio) is an icon of someone that can't let go of the past, and a lot of us don't let go of the past because of guilt, it was perfectly described in the movie, and the fact that someone that can't let go of someone can make it disturbing to other people, and I dare say it happens in real life, it happened to me! I hadn't confronted fully my "disturbance" and I stupidly called my best friend by that name. It was a horrible feeling, but unconsciousness became present in that moment, it didn't want to be suppressed anymore, also, came out in the worst moment, they usually do, just like in the movie. Mal came out in the worst possible moments.

It is our duty to confront our past so that they don't destroy our present and there for, future, but sometimes we can't do it alone and we need someone to give us moral support, and that led me to think that I need to confront this person in person, to say what I need to say so that I can just forget about it and never live with this anger again, in my case. I know that I won't fully forget about him until I confront him, but I know I can't do it alone... and I don't know how, when or where to confront him. We haven't spoken to each other for 6 months now, maybe.

To my kind reader, yes YOU, will you be there for me? I won't be able to do it alone, not without you. You're the only one that makes me smile for real and that likes me for who I am and doesn't see me like an annoying person. You're a breath of fresh air for me, I feel light yet my feet are still on the ground, I don't have to scream for you to hear me, and I don't have to be someone else for you to take me in.

Thank you.

I think I'm overwhelmed...

To start off, I have started the introduction courses at the university Jannette Klein, Instituto de la Moda, if you ask me, it was better Campus de la Moda, but hey, they where forced to change it because of it's 25th year anniversary. Anyways, point is I started on Tuesday, at 8:00AM and I was nervous. When I got there they where just calling me in to take my seat in my correspondent group. At first I honestly didn't want to talk to anyone... I think I might have judged too much, and I do apologize for that, I just can't help myself in that aspect, sometimes.

We didn't really do much that day, it was just so much information to take in that eventually I started getting a headache and just wanted to get out of there.

I've been stated clear that WE designers need to be on top of everything; politics, religion, economy, any sort of movement, even tragedy. This has also made me realize that actors/actresses and singers wouldn't be anything without us, we are the ones that make their image, I mean, they could be amazingly good singers or actors, but in the end, they need to build up an image of what they are and what they use is a very big influence, but us designers we remain in our own, what do I mean in "our own"? I mean that we don't have the need to play miss or mister dress-dressy, we only do that in very important events, but not while working, and while we work we like to be comfterable. Who's we? Those that know that being in high heals, short dresses, makeup on and what not is no good for when you are in action. Just because we might sew probably all day and we're sitting down or standing up for a few moments for measurements, etc doesn't mean that it doesn't tire us, au contraire, being focused in one spot for god knows how many hours can be very tiring and to be able to have that persistence you need to have insane amounts of patience's and discipline, and to be a great designer you also need to be great with numbers, how so? in the way that we are also negotiators, and we have to be great at it.

A designer is all about change -if we're to survive in ANY society- and if we don't change our products as it should be then we will not have any buyers, so that's why we need to be on top of everything.

I foresee that to be successful it will NOT be easy, what so ever, and if I'm to be a successful designer I need to be everywhere till I hit the pillow. It will be very hard, stressful and I know I'll be at my lowest, but I also know that I will be giving the best of me, with style and great attitude and when I get to see my work down the runway I will know that all I was put through was worth it, because it was something I had dreamed of for many, many years, that will be my highest.

Right now in school: We are about 50 girls that entered, in my class room we are 16 girls and 1 "boy" -no boy is 100% straight if he is studying to be a fashion designer- and out of us 17 we might end up being 4-8 people that will stay and finish the career, of that I am sure, not everyone has what it takes to be a top designer.

Our first assignment -when we start school- is to choose a theme for our first runway: California or New York. It's more than obvious that I've chosen New York. New York has a heavy attitude, heavy colors and a HEAVY accent. New York doesn't take "no" for an answer, only New York can say "no"... I know what your thinking, but that's my love to New York and that's a city of which I'll be living in in the future, I hope. I'm looking forward to it.

Today was the second day and I was a bit more confident about myself, today I threw myself to the socializing world, I met about 11 girls and sadly, hehe, I forgot most of their names, but I bet they have forgotten about mine too by now, tomorrow I'll find out.

So far, I am not as scared as I thought I'd be, the only thing that scares me right now is the fact that I need to wake up really early from Monday to Thursday to get to school at 7:00AM and I'd hate to walk in the dark at that hour when I get off the public transport to get to my school, and I mean, it is close to the bus stop, but still, I'll be a lone girl, carrying a big bag full of school supplies -btw, they're not cheap at all- so I am worried at the fact that something could happen -ever since my last post if you recall-.

...I don't know what else to say with all do respect, I think this is all.

Thank you for reading.

Extreme emotions.

Today was parkour day, a day of which I always look forward to. My favorite sport, my favorite challenge.
Today I was high on my own "ego", I was very proud that I can almost do a kong, if I can just lift up my hips a tad more and add more strength to my arms and I'll be flying for some sweet seconds.

Today was also a big challenge for me because no way was I gonna skip the right side lazy that before I used to do well and these last couple of times was unable, physically and emotionally... but this time, I did it. Some interesting things went through my mind while I tried to set my mind straight to do the fucking lazy, some of those thoughts where:

1. What is stopping me from doing this?
2. Don't me scared! If I'm not scared, I won't fall.
3. How is that I feel incapable of doing a lazy with right side rather than my left? (I've always been stronger on my right side...)
4. Is it because of the social pressure that I'm not able to do this?
5. I feel strong, do it now!... Fuck!! It's gone. Why so fast?
6. I don't want to be afraid, and not because of this, I mean life wise. I knew I was getting a tad scared for school already but didn't think it could be that what was making me weaker at this point.

So yeah, it took me a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time, and I hate that, but I was very glad that I had all these people around me (the group) because they believed that I could do it and so did I! But there was my other side that kept on saying "Your knee is gonna hit" and finally, I didn't allow that.
I did it! hahahaha, and I was very happy for it.

Made me realize that you should trust yourself, no matter what and teachers (at least here in Mexico) always told us "you shouldn't trust yourself"= No te confies. And listening to that, year after year makes you truly think that you shouldn't trust yourself because things will go wrong. Well, those son's of a bitche's teachers are wrong, we are the only ones that can trust ourselves fully, we are the ones to judge ourselves and we are the ones to do the action, not someone else do it for us.

And so, that was my high of the until I got to my car and realized this (as I was looking in it):
1. I have my keys in my hand and am about to put the key in.
2. Something was off, I saw my umbrella in my seat and I think to myself "Who put that there?"
3. I look at the doors from the other side and notice that both locks are opened.
4. I realize that my car is messed up.
5. I see that my radio isn't there anymore... I am freaking out already.
6. I cry, my CD of Pain of Salvation was in there.
7. I call my two friends that where with me and yelling "I was robbed!"

Oh yes... I cursed until my mouth was tired, I cried until my head hurt, I showered until I was tired of it.

The thing that most got me sad and angry was the fact that I put the CD in this morning when it wasn't in it this morning. I just HAD to put it in. And I admit, that CD was the best thing I have ever gotten, my best friend gave it to me after his trip to Vancouver, after waiting for him night's after night's and day's after day's until we finally meet. It meant so much to me, everything he gave me, but even more the CD by the fact that he recommended me to listen to them in my recent break up and those songs and him, pulled me through. I thank, though, that I was safe and nothing had happened to me and good thing I didn't have anything "cool" in my car. I had taken out my GPS because it wasn't working, my iPod because it needed to charge, my change is always under my matt and good thing I didn't write down any telephone numbers, and the whole address, it would usually be just the number, or the beginning of the letter of a street because like that I would remember, didn't write down any delegation name, but still... it's my friends safety and they should know what happened so that they can just be alerted a little bit. My name wasn't written anywhere to be seen, which was good, not even in my address book so, they honestly can't do much. I had about 8 people in there... though, I do feel very guilty, still, by not taking out the damn book when I had it in mind and I was fucking lazy to walk to my car.

As my dad say's, it's happened to SOOOOOOOOOOOO many people, but that now I'll be extra precocious with the things that I bring in, leave inside and take with me.

But still am kicking myself by putting that CD in, I hate myself so much, and I knew!! I knew I shouldn't have insisted with the CD, my body was telling me and I always reject that other sense of me. I shouldn't.

And so... this has led me to think that I should really get out of here, ASAP. The sad part is that I had hopes for Mexico, I really did, but today it was taken away from me, completely.

I'll have to start getting in contact with FIT and Parsons University because I won't tolerate this. There's no respect in Mexico and I can't live like that.

I'm sorry, Mexico, but my time here is soon to be over.

P.S. Just checked my forum, vented with 'em and someone answered this back to me:
"Happened to me on plenty occasions, Robbed, vandalized, Robbed, Burglarized....list goes on & on and I live in the City of Brotherly Love?? So vent you may but don't let it get you down! It can always be worse and yes it's easy for me too say but you could of came out to an empty space where your car once was! Terrible terrible feeling trust me! Hope everything works out just put the pieces back one at a time...one day at a time people will be people no matter what the race. The melting pot gets thicker but at the end of the day its just the same ole soup warmed over."


I think it's the best thing someone has told me today :)