"Smoke and Mirrors" by Neil Gaiman.

"I'm thinking about England in the rain,

a strange theatre on the pier: a trail

of fear and magic, memory and pain.

The fear should be of going bleak insane,

the magic should be like a fairy tale.

I'm thinking about England in the rain.

The loneliness is harder to explain–

an empty place inside me where I fail,

of fear and magic, memory and pain.

I think of a magician and a skein

of truth disguised as lies. You wear a veil.

I'm thinking about England in the rain…

The shapes repeat like some bizarre refrain

and there's a sword, a hand, and there's a grail

of fear and magic, memory and pain.

The wizard waves his wand and we turn pale,

tells us sad truths, but all to no avail.

I'm thinking about England in the rain

of fear and magic, memory and pain."

Thank you.

Victoria... YOU brought me back, YOU made me realize that it's not worth changing yourself just to live up to someone else's expectations of their "ideal woman". And you're right, I shouldn't change myself just for that one guy, nor should he, but there's a reason why two people go out together: they like each other for who they are, not for what they will become.

That one guy I liked, it was for who he was, not in what he had become, and visa versa him with me.

I do deserve better. I look forward to bigger things, why shouldn't I look for bigger things in my relationships? I hate that I have to level myself to my partner so that we can "understand" each other. I want someone to be at my level, I don't to level myself or anyone else to level me.

I just want someone to love my world and appreciate it the way it is, for it's beauty of existing.

I don't like what destiny is doing to me. Why am I to see this person in a random day when he never sees me? And I'm damn sure that he never sees me because he never observes. He's never been an observer... and that, is my curse. I observe too much, seek for what I want, not what can be given to me and I have to learn how to invert that observation and keep it equal to observing what I want and what can be given to me.

"Just when you think you're out, they pull you back in." -The Godfather

Now I can relate to that even more. I hope this can be done and over soon.

Victoria, I too wish you luck because all in all, it's only us, no one else.

"There's a hole in my soul"

Title is a song from Aerosmith.

I don't know how to start this... this morning I woke up with anger and with emptiness. I got that strange feeling in my stomach where I feel desperate to do something, and not in the way to get something but more likely to get rid of something. I don't know... I haven't gotten this feeling in a long time. It's like the feeling you get when someone broke up with you and after that you either want to destroy things or cry... and I don't want to cry, I want to break things, for some reason.

I don't know what I am doing to fill my emptiness, but I want it gone. I just want change already... I want progress in something in my life already and I don't seem to be getting anywhere where I want to get to.
I want to meet more new people, I want to have a heck of a time... I fucking tired of staying my house doing this stupid project... I want something real already.

Before, I didn't think it was all that amazing the song Help!- The Beatles... but I can identify myself with it right now.

Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me?

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I've never done before.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me, oh. 


... I think I do need someone.

Where do you find your inspiration?

I've reasently picked up a small note book to write down everything; school projects, dates, books to buy, movies, CD's to buy and the main purpouse, for quotes or phrases that I get to make up.

I bought that small notebook to see my evolution emotionaly and mentaly because sometimes I catch myself thinking of something new, something that would go against my "usual" thoughts and sometimes I wonder why I get that contradiction. Also, I want to know why I think of that and where did it come from, from what, what object or sound or touch made me think of it.

I don't know about you guys but, I get chain reactions when ever I think further and further more by just questioning one thing. It's not that I want to get a conclusion but simply wonder, why are humans so thirsty for the "if's"?

Sometimes I have no idea what causes me to get inspired, though, I know I get some of them when I am dreaming, sometimes I get so many vivid colors and what not, and they trully amaze me and they say that you dream what you have gone through the day, your brain processes all the information that you learned that day but in an unconscious way, though, Hemingway once said "My dreams are the language of my soul, showing what is in my heart in clear images, reveling it in true prophetic form." and I agree with what he says too, when you simply love someone so much you dream of that person too, or maybe not love but you have a certain affection to that person and sometimes you don't realize how much that person means to you until you start dreaming of that person, and even sometimes when you dislike someone you dream of that person too. It's weird yet dreams make so much sense. They don't tell what to do, but they do tell you how you are thinking and feeling in that moment and because we can't listen to our unconscious side all the time it revels it's self in dreams and even sometimes when you are talking to someone you say the wrong name or age or even what you where reading before and meant to say it and you do without even noticing it.

So, now that I have put out the subject that way, where DO we get our inspiration from? Is it the people, the images all arround us (also instant gratification), is the music (noise or not, what ever) or is it simply what ever that makes us feel identified with reality that we can actually explode it to another level?

I honestly don't know what is it that makes us aspire so much life and creativity in our life in any form, but I put my hands down without a doubt that it is inspiration that we are looking for all the time, inluding love, I think love is an important factor to get inspired, wether it's a friendship-love or a relationship-love.

I will keep track in my small notebook what makes me inspire and I am sure that the common pattern will have to do with something related with great happiness, wether the creation of it was something brutal, horrible, sad, soothing or ecstatic, they all come from a very deep emotion. But the best ones come from... well, you guys know. I don't want to be too corny now ;)

P.S. I apologize for the lack of posting the days I was supposed to. Been hunged up with a lot of homework.

What is the value of a smile?

I was watching a program, and the girl they where gonna do a make over on has an accident loosing her front teeth and forcing her not to smile nor express herself the way she wanted to, and that also reflected of how much older it made her look by not smiling.

Made me realize that a persona that doesn't smile shows them selves as older people, more serious, unhappy or ashamed of something they have.

A smile is everything, it shows who you are and what you are. A smile is so powerful that it can even capture someone's interest.

Never stop smiling, you never know who will love you just for that or even where it can get you to. A smile has amazing powers and people don't seem to appreciate it so much.

Safe or unsafe?

I've been thinking wether I do the right things with the right people. How do I know for sure I can trust them? You can't, really. I'm not all that proud of what I've done this week, I've corrupted young minds, very young minds and honestly, it's not cool. At least for me. Now I've realized that I, for sure, would rather kiss someone older than me rather than younger, too boring if the damn kid is too young and with little experience.

Not sure anymore if I do these things because I want to or because I do it to distract myself from something.

Stages of a woman.

I had a rather interesting assignment for this weeks homework for Art History, consisted on taking 4 pictures with the theme "Fashion". I tried to do something a tad original but with what I already had... I thought taking pictures of stereotypes, all wearing the same glasses but then I thought it was too common, then I thought I can go to different places and just take pictures of people -capturing what they are wearing in different zones of the city- but then I thought it was boring and unoriginal, I mean, fashion is everywhere though, then I thought maybe I can take pictures of fashionistas (those that literally cannot live without a designers product) but then I thought "Too expensive" hahaha so then I thought, finally, why not put the woman's evolution? How she developed along the years, how her mentality changed, took place in a mans world and so my title to the pictures was "Stages of fashion", and I dressed up as woman from the 16th-18th century; corset's, long dresses and rather heavy ones too, then Dandysim/Dandy; A woman finally takes place in a mans world by wearing mens wear, to show that she also has power and strength to do things on her own yet we can still conserve our feminism (it's my favorite of all, the tendency, the ideology, the colors, all of it), then I dressed up as "flash dance" who ever doesn't know what is Flash dance you better google or look for it on youtube because the movie was so great that everyone just needed to dress like that, a woman is always in shape if she exercises all the time and looking good by wearing leggings, leg warmers, sneakers, an under shirt showing while wearing a loose shirt on top and off the shoulders, and finally the "modern" woman (modern is actually a relative word because everyone is modern in their own eras, but for this year in this occasion it was the most appropriate) so I dressed in short shorts with a big belt and buckle, leggings, up to the knee boots, a tank top and a blouse on top, tied a little higher than the waist, with a hat and aviator glasses.

Conclusion: A woman is always trying to look fantastic in a no-matter-what situation, body wise and fashion wise, but why loose our interest in literature, art, music? It seems that now that the woman has a place in a mans world they all of a sudden lost what was important for them, they've become fashionistas, consumers, nothing more. There's a lot more in life than just keeping a status (fashion does that), the majority of women have forgotten why we are here, now. They've forgotten that our women ancestors fought and some gave their lives so that we can all have a voice amongst men. I shall never forget them for it is they that I am this way and not another way.
I bow to those women that made this happen for us that do appreciate it and shall never forget that it is because of they I have a voice in society. I will not throw away that opportunity that we have in our hands still.

I present you, my photos...

Fashion from the XV-XVIII. I made the whole costume.

Dandy/Dandysim: A woman dresses masculine. My moms grandmother made her that outfit and eventually gave it to me.

"Flash dance" from the 80's. Woman in shape.

The modern woman dressing how ever she wants to.

By the by, I'd like to apologize for not posting nor Sunday or Wednesday, it's been a hectic week of school.