Our past is vital for construction.

It's fantastic how people tend to conserve always a piece of the past, no matter what. I've realized these past 3 years that our past's are vital to construct our present and eventually, future. No matter how many times we blame our past, our past is essencial to our present and future because our present eventually becomes our past. But, what if we want to change something in our future-present? break the patterns? Just... surrender to what you desire?

What do we know about being "set free"?

I wish I can talk more about this subject but I find it hard to have more ideas on it so... all I can say is this: Is is thanks to my past that I am here, it is thanks to my past that I have these wonderful people whom I call friends are with me, and it is because of my past that I can direct myself to what I want and don't want. It's just a matter of "willing to do" rather than a "I'll try"

Why choose the harder decisions when we have the easy ones?

I read that in someones status one day and my first response to that, not to the person, was that the harder decisions, in my opinion, are the ones that offer a better opportunity for you. Does it get even harder if you choose, not only for you but also, for someone else involved?

In my personal expirience, the hard decisions are those that give you a broader vision of life, perspectives and angles in one situation and the posibilities that are offered. Though, I will say this, sometimes we are the ones that make the decisions harder than what they are supposed to be, because we debate with our selves wether we should do it or not, we try to see the pro's and con's of the situation and sometimes try to feel it. We are analizers, no matter what, we always try to get the most of that decision, though, I agree that some people just don't think it through and they just let it slide, sometimes it's a good thing and sometimes it's a bad thing, how ever the consequence may come.

Sometimes, we have the answer right under our noses but sometimes we choose not to see the answer, we ignore it, perhaps, denying it.

I addmit, sometimes I know what the answer is, never the less, I tend to ignore it, I try to block it and somehow make it disapear, but nothing can disapear by magic, what ever goes comes around, always. No matter how hard you try to run away from it, the answer will be chasing you until you comfront it and say it or do it.

Why, why, why, why, why... why? Just beacuse. No. There is a reason why that decision making was present to you and there is a reason why you must decide, things don't just present themselves out of now where, you did something in past to deserve that decision making, you are the one responsible for the things that happen to you, not to anyone else but you.

I don't believe that someone can make a desicion over someone else, in the end, everyone does what they want, so, if one person made a desicion over someone, that someone can do something entirely different than what was told. Everyone can either take a suggestion or leave it, it's up to us, not to them. But now, the fact that sometimes we depend on someone to do the "right" thing doesn't mean that they will fulfill our wishes, that person that doesn't fulfill our wishes made the desicion to not to do so, even if they claim that it was important to them, it actually wasn't. We tend to rememer important things, meaningful things to us, but when we don't it's because we had other powerful thoughts taking over the situation.

Does fear involve? Of course it does! fear comes within our analizing of the situation, meaning, almost all the time, and to take action? even worse. But there is nothing better than taking the risk, and if you fail, you gain success. No one can lose in this world, it's a win-win all the time. Everything works as an expirience.

Now, go on, and get crazy.

Let your eyes cease to love.

I look at your eyes and I see radiance,
I look at your eyes and I see perfection.
When I look past your eyes I see affection,
When I look past your eyes I see your spirit.

There is only beauty,
There is only hope.
You are beauty,
You are hope.

Your eyes plead for love,
your eyes yield to pleasure.
But will your eyes yield to love rather than plead?

YOU are love.

A good-bye letter.

By Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook.

"The reason it hurts so much to separate

is because our souls are connected. Maybe

they always have been and will be. Maybe

we've lived a thousand lives before this one

and in each of them we've found each

other. And maybe each time, we've been

forced apart for the same reasons. That

means that this good-bye is both a good-

bye for the past ten thousand years and a

prelude to what will come.

When I look at you, I see your beauty

and grace and know they have grown

stronger with every life you have lived. And

I know I have spent every life before this

one searching for you. Not someone like

you, but you, for your soul and mine must

always come together. And then, for a rea-

son neither of us understands, we've been

forced to say good-bye.

I would love to tell you that everything

will work out for us, and I promise to do

all I can to make sure it does. But if we

never meet again and this is truly good-bye,

I know we will see each other again in

another life. We will find each other again,

and maybe the stars will have changed, and

we will not only love each other in that

time, but for all the times we've had before."

The end is near.

This semester has been fantastic, in every sense. I've cried, I've been very stressed, I slept for 5 hours for a whole 2 months, I think... perhaps even more, and I've laughed so hard in most days, which I am very glad.

I've met 4 exceptional people whom I am very proud to call my best gals. Makes me wonder sometimes if I even had real friends... or maybe I did, I just didn't like the way they where "friends" with me, in the way that they always needed me and there for they depended a lot on me, it suddenly became heavy and exhausting for me, always being a shoulder for someone or another set of legs, and sometimes even the head to point them to the right direction but ever since college I've felt like my real self, not pretending not one bit to be someone I am not and it just feels amazing, which leads me to think that it had to do a lot with my new friends: We all have something in common, there's a reason why we are together, though, sometimes I think that most of these girls aren't even supposed to be there, but all in all, we all have an interest for clothes, some more ignorant and some less ignorant about the career.

All in all, it's been an amazing experience, full of excitement, questioning, doubt, falling and bringing yourself back "with a little help from my friends"- The Beatles.

But even the teachers are great! We're finally treated like adults and that's something I've wanted for a while, very few times I've thought of being a kid again, but once you find the joy of your own age, it's rather interesting and very, very enjoyable. Yes, there's more responsibility, but if you know how to deal with it, organize and change your strategies as many times you can, then you'll survive for sure.

One thing I've learned is that routine isn't good after it goes on for more than 3 weeks, you become zombie like, lot's of things have changed already by then and you're still stuck if you don't change your routines. Tune it up once in a while, it doesn't have to be dramatic, but it'll keep you from feeling like a zombie.

What if everything we know is upside down?

What if "good" is actually "bad"?
What if "optimism" is actually "pessimism"?
What if "love" is actually "hatred"?
What if "happiness" is actually "sadness"?
What if "hope" is actually "disappointment"?
What if "life" is actually "killing"?
What if "God/Goddess" is actually "Devil"?
Would the world be a "worse" place rather than a "better" place if everything where "upside down"?

Art, A passion or an escape?

Art. Something that isn't quite defined and I don't think will ever be. People think that art is defined by those whom have the power to do it so, some people think that it's art because it establishes their ideal of beauty and some people think that art is absolutely everything. For me, Art is when you transcend what you are feeling/thinking of, that the fact that you bother in doing it it's because you need to let something out of you that is trapped and you have no other way to show it but by art! weather it's by a painting, a performance, singing, dancing, making music, what ever, as long as you are letting people know that there is something trapped in you that you need to let out.

I know that when someone creates art, it's because they want to transcend something valuable from them, a piece of them, it's not just anything, it's an "emotional intelligence" if that applies. We guide ourselves by emotion all the time, reason can be pretty square but, I strongly believe that reason is part of our emotions, our emotion to believe in something exact, our emotion of curiosity of how things work, our emotion to dig deeper rather than just the surface of life.

But sometimes I wonder about the artists, do they do art because the are passionate of what they feel and think or do they do art to distract themselves from something in life? What ever the case may be, what ever the portal of inspiration may be, amazing things are created every day and in every hour, we are all artists, no one has to tell us if we are a true artist. Even the dumb bitches or ass holes create art in their own way and with their own ideals. For me, a dumb way of art is shopping all the time, I don't find any satisfaction in that, I mean, I love shopping, I really do, and I love dressing up with things that no one else would posses, but maybe these girls love shopping so much that it is like art to them because they get to wear what ever they want according to their idea of beauty, according to their personality and according to how they are feeling in that precise moment of their life. And what about those people that kill and transform the person before or after, I know it may sound horrible and brutal and what not but, they too have their own ideals of beauty and also their way to send out a message to be heard rather than being suppressed.

We are surrounded by art but people think it's so little because it will always be according to their ideals, if they aren't within their ideals they will immediately reject it and deny that it is art.

Speaking of paintings, I'd like to say that it is one of the most interesting forms of art because of the use of colors, shapes and strokes. I think it's the clearest image that we can get to see the persons or even animals, world. Say, the schizophrenics; some drawing that I have seen of schizophrenics are the most interesting for me because they live in worlds, literally, and we don't even know for certain why they do, yeah, we have science to tell us but they still don't go beyond the surface, there is always something deeper that not even science, math or equations can get to, like π. Point is, we have no idea what schizophrenics see and the fact that when ever they draw something or paint or anything of which we can understand in some form what they are seeing or feeling is amazing, they have opened up a small portal to their world, to understand them even if just in a small piece of paper, they are giving us a small passage to their world, a world that is a gigantic mystery to us, to see other things in this material world that we live in is crucial, hard to even understand.

Louis Wain was a famous schizophrenic artist who always painted cats. They say that before he developed schizophrenia, he had a hard time distinguishing between fact and fantasy, people also frequently found him incomprehensible, due to his way of speaking tangentially. It's said that what had trigged his schizophrenia was because of his constant contact with his cat, of which his cat had transmitted him toxoplasmosis.

Although his paintings started with just drawings of cat's, they eventually turned into cat-patterns, large eyes and dramatic expressions, seeming like if the cat was always surprised, scared or even just showing the expression of a questioning.

I find his work very interesting. They're intense and keep on a certain geometry and symmetrical ways in his backgrounds and sometimes vise versa, the cat very symmetrical, and the background how ever it would be.

I don't know if this has ever happened to someone but when I'm doing something in watercolors, sometimes I can't get the right color or just the color I need, sometimes I imagine colors that don't even exist physically and it is horrible because then, I can't show exactly what I am feeling, and I feel so impotent and just leave my painting halfway to what I am trying to show and so I have to conform with what I have at reach and that's it, send it out like that, but I do my best to show how I feel or what I am thinking.

This is an abstract painting I made in 2009. Technique is water color.

My conclusion is this: I think art start's as a way to distract ourselves, an escape from something that we don't desire to confront but by confronting it in a form of art we then evolve it into passion. That's me, my thoughts, anyone can think what ever they want. This is just my opinion and I am opened to those who have a different idea. Actually, I would be very pleased if you could leave a comment, letting me know what you think, so that I can broaden my gaze on different opinions, it would be very helpful for me.

As always, thank you for reading.

This is how it ought to be...

I know people day dream a lot about their life, something ideal for them and, I'd like to share my biggest day dream.

Living in a cottage, in the middle of the woods, where I'm not bothered by anyone who needs something from me all the time. Sitting in the middle of the living room and the only light in the room is the fireplace, providing warmth and confidence; tranquility. Hearing how the fire roars, crackle's the wood and with the one person I truly love sitting next to me, whispering and playing with my hand. We both know that we don't need more in life.
Have my own garden, grow my own vegetables, trees and flowers. Have vines growing on the house to make it part of the forest.

Some of my paintings hanging around the living room, but are shadowed by the fireplace.

A perfect night would be a rainy and storming night; hearing natures natural sounds, it's songs, it's soul. Perhaps we'd have a dog sleeping indoors, nothing too extravagant. Just a simple life with a simple house, no one in the world to bother us. Just us.

I hope such thing would exist now in days...